DYING JUST FOR YOU
Living just for dying
I’M GOING THROUGH CHANGES
Rest in peace, the Prince of Darkness.
Ozzy was the first concert I ever went to. I was 11, and it was a co-headlining tour with Rob Zombie, and it was the first time I ever saw boobs in real life. It was the most formative experience of my adolescence. Listen to the first 5 Black Sabbath records in order, then listen to them again. The greatest there ever was.
REPULSIVE IN ITS SPLENDID BEAUTY
The most exciting part of new clothes was never putting them on for the first time, but always the moment someone had already begun to take them off. What did it feel like? Look like? Taste like? Sound like? All these questions raced through my mind before the night had even begun, but by then the night was already over.
Touch—tired, tight, tense, awkward, unfamiliar, warm
Taste—salt, wine, spit, cotton
Sound—laughing, smacking, wet, ‘we should get out of here’, ‘just like that’, ‘more’
Seen—never better, soft, intense
What has been the allure of newness? Why have you craved the new—new places, new people, new things? You have turned from the familiar, resisted the known, for you have feared being known. And not without cause: parts of you have already been found undeserving—ugly, unpolished, raw. You need to destroy yourself to be reborn, and it did not begin yesterday. It could not have. For today has been all you were given, and you mustn’t wait for tomorrow. The coward is the one who fears themselves, seeking in others what they are unwilling to face within. Only you can change yourself—and only you can change the world.
You have searched for refuge in the excitement of beginnings, mistaking motion for meaning, but the meaning is only found at the end. But newness has never been a solution—only a delay. You have worn masks made of empty love and false hope, praying no one would look too closely. You should have always known the performance needs to end, for the mask will slip, and you will be left alone with the echo of your own actions, for there is nothing else that can save you. You have to stand on the edge of yourself, scared to death. But now, you should fall. And as you descend, you’ll begin the long uncovering. You have not been made new. You have begun to make yourself. Trust me, for I am there too.
EXISTENCE IS PUNISHMENT
Sorry, no gym last week. I was lazy, but I’ll make up for it this week, starting yesterday.
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