HEAVEN IS THE DECISION I MAKE
I run into love because I need it to destroy who I used to be
YOU THINK YOU ARE POSSESSING ME BUT I HAVE MY TEETH IN YOU
When sin feels holy or when being indulgent feels good
Your private voyeur or when you only crave the gaze of just one
It’s more or less routine for my eyes to constantly scan wherever I am—usually to the disservice of whoever’s sitting across from me that night. My gaze drifts, collecting shreds of information from strangers, most of them blissfully unaware. I watch people shift uncomfortably in their chairs—the twitching, the tensing, the subtle shaking and overt bouncing of limbs—all without consequence. Because this is a first date, and these two are strangers: not yet comfortable, not yet seen.
My focus is sharp. Trained. I’m always looking at the exact moment I need to be, catching glances in return, because we recognize when others are doing it too. This is a familiar act, and sometimes, it’s violent.
Though you’ll never notice something before I do, and I’ll always point it out to you, so we can watch together.
To watch with you is to transcend somewhere new.
But now, a second universe exists. And for reasons not quite known or fully understood, I’m seated with you and my eyes see nothing else, want for nothing else—only to meet yours.
Focused. Curious. Studying. The way your skin contracts when you smile or laugh, the way your eyes dance as you remember the details of the story, the precise way your nose meets your lips—something that can only be described as exact, intentional, perfect.
A student of your shape and form. Needing to understand and longing for your attention again. Wanting to be fluent in all the curves and bends of your body.
You shed your light upon my unwashed skin to make me feel holy again.
And then —
My gaze is reserved for you, unwavering and unflinching.
Because when I’m seated across from you, I see no one else, notice nothing else.
I am nothing else.
Because nothing else matters in that moment but you. And me. And whatever this is.
This belongs to a much larger piece of writing that I’m working on, just wanted to share this with you a little early.
DEATH TO THE HUMANFORM
Here is a look at my first week of lifting and learning, along with my notes.
Read —
Mark Fisher: Capitalist Realism, Zero Books (2009)
Chapters 1, 2, 3 (pages 1-20)
Bhaskar Sunkara: The "Anarcho-Liberal", Dissent Magazine (2011)
Anna Khachiyan: Art Won't Save Us, SF MoMA: Heavy Machinery (2018)
Watch —
Mark Fisher: The Slow Cancellation of the Future, MaMa (2014)
Dis & Sean Monahan: Obama Baroque, Dis.art (2018)
***I’ll keep it real: I didn’t have the motivation to read or watch any of this to form a coherent opinion. However, none of these pieces of media are foreign or present any new opinions or ideas to me that I hadn’t already arrived at myself or read explicitly before. Starting week two, I will be better.
I encourage all of you to read and watch these, though. Anna’s is good. Mark Fisher is Mark Fisher. The others are okay.
Lift —
Monday — Upper 1
Converging Chest Press
10, 6, 8 (50)
Chest Supported Lat Row
10, 6, 8 (30)
Kelso Shrugs
10, 6, 8 (30)
One Arm Dumbbell Preacher Curls
10, 6, 8 (25)
One Arm Triceps Pushdowns
10, 6, 8 (35)
***This first day had me cooked, but I felt very good after. None of these movements were unfamiliar to me, but I hadn’t ever done some of them, so I focused on keeping the weight light but hitting each rep correctly. Form is key, I guess.
Tuesday — Lower 1
Single-Legged Calf Press (Machine Leg Press)
10, 6, 8
Hip Thrusts (Barbell)
10, 6, 8 (70)
Leg Extensions
10, 6, 8 (75)
Seated Leg Curls
10, 6, 8 (75)
***As being whatever the equivalent is to being well endowed, but for having larger legs, I skip past unnecessary leg lifts. These had me feeling good and strong. Perfect day two into a rest day.
Thursday — Upper 2
Clavicular Chest Press
10, 6, 8 (35)
Chest Supported T-Bar Row
10, 6, 8 (55)
Lying Cable Laterals
10, 6, 8, 8 (25)
Alternating Dumbbell Curls
10, 8, 8 (25)
Machine Tricep Extensions
10, 6, 8 (35)
***Lying cable laterals need to be less embarrassing. Hated that one a lot, but my arms are feeling torqued. Amazing day three.
Friday — Lower 2
Single-Legged Calf Press (Machine Leg Press)
10, 6, 8 (10)
Lying Leg Curl
10, 6, 8 (65)
Leg Extension (Unilateral)
10, 6, 8 (45)
Barbell Romanian Deadlifts
10, 6, 8 (65)
***Again, don’t care for leg exercises but these have me feeling like Ashton Hall or whatever that moron’s name is.
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