I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER

It's like heaven above and I want to make it hurt

I CAN’T JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

I’m tired of talking to you, I want to talk about her.

I don’t want her to fit like a glove—something easily removed, gently stowed away until the next use. I want her to constrict me like latex—tight, stretched, gripping every part of me. Wearing her isn’t enough. I need to breathe her in, taste her, swallow her whole. My goal is to unravel her and keep her for as long as I can. Latex doesn’t rip or tear—and neither will her heart.

I’m writing this from the confines of my car, tracing an unfamiliar bruise on the inside of my bicep. Since ninth grade, I’ve had a recurring dream: standing in front of a mirror, spitting out all my teeth. I still wake up in a panic, checking both rows for completeness before drifting back to sleep. I’m not sure what it means—if it means anything at all—but I know I love my teeth.

And I know that tenderness consumes my body, always at the most inconvenient time. It forces me to feel myself—to be inside my body. I can sense it shifting, changing, adapting, reacting. Everything is so tense, but my body is nothing.

And this is where my true journey begins. I’m on an unwavering pursuit of truth. And love. And respect. And clarity. And honesty. And obsession.

To be soft is to be hard—because it takes strength to be gentle. She’s undeniable.

CRUSH MY BODY, CRUSH MY SOUL, I’M NOTHING BUT A MAN

Week two, I weighed myself for the first time in what has to be over 4 years, and my current weight is at 197lbs. I haven’t weighed under 200lbs in over 18 years, probably.

Read —

Nick Srnicek & Alex Williams: Inventing the Future, Verso Books (2015)
Introduction + chapter 1 (pages 0-24)

Zeynep Tufecki: How Social Media Took Us from Tahrir Square to Donald Trump, MIT Technology Review (2018)
Sections 1, 2, 4

Watch —

Nick Srnicek: About Platform Capitalism, Ars Industrialis (2016)

Daniel Keller: From the Sovereign Individual to the Targeted Individual, New Festival (2016)

All of this material is truly so boring. I tried with all four but couldn’t maintain engagement. This really bothers me, but I cannot seem to shake the boredom. Hoping next week isn’t so bad.

Lift —

Monday — Upper 3

Machine Overhead Press
10, 6, 8 (35)
Wide Grip Pulldowns
10, 6, 8 (100)
Rear Delt Pec Deck
10, 6, 8 (85)?
Dip Machine
10, 6, 8 (x)
One Arm Machine Preacher Curls
10, 6, 8 (25)

Nothing new or exciting here, but it was a good lift.

Tuesday — Lower 3

Calf Press
10, 6, 8 (25)
Adductor Machine
10, 6, 8 (x)
One-Legged Leg Curl
10, 6, 8 (65)
Quad Leg Press
10, 6, 8 (45)

Lovedddddddddd this day. Hitting legs feels so nice.

Thursday — Upper 1

Converging Chest Press
10, 6, 8, 6 (back off) (55)
Chest Supported Lat Row
10, 6, 8, 6 (back off) (35)
Kelso Shrugs
10, 6, 8, 6 (back off) (35)
One Arm Dumbbell Preacher Curls
10, 6, 8 (27.5)
One Arm Triceps Pushdowns
10, 6, 8 (40)

Yeah, that hurt.

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