SO BE IT I’M YOUR CROWBAR

To cry is just as hard as it feels easy

I CAN BEAR ANY PAIN AS LONG AS IT HAS MEANING

I love to take your place and inhabit your side of the bed after you’ve left. Retreating to the space you once filled leaves me tender and heartbroken. Feeling my weight sink into the warm void your body carved out, feeling your presence in the space you once occupied. Even in your absence, I feel so close to you. You should never have to leave me to go to work. But every once in a while, I’ll have to leave you—but I’ll always be right back.

A painful realization: the crushing weight of reality comes for us all but I dream of crawling inside your skin, marching around with you everywhere you go, curling up inside your ribs, and listening only to your heart forever beat. In this daydream i like to believe that your heart beats for me, but I’m brought back to earth time and time again when it’s time for you to get up, when it’s time for you to go to work.

Lately, you’ve been weighing heavy on my mind. Do you really mean it when you say love? Do you really mean it when you say perfect? Do you really mean it when you say this is right? Maybe I’m just feeling off, maybe I’m retreating. Maybe I’m scared, maybe I’m revealing too much.

Some days, I feel like I can carry the weight of our world on my shoulders. Bearing the burden of all our anxieties, our dreams, our resolutions. Other days, my body collapses under the pressure of undemanding tasks. Falling short of expectations, letting you down, letting me down. I feel tension, I need to surrender to you, a growing belief that you may be telling the truth, a growing suspicion that I can trust you, but I hope you can forgive me: your ladder may always be one foot too short to scale the forever growing walls I’ve built to protect my ever-sensitive and soft heart.

Slowly but surely, though, you’ll peek over and see that my arms will always be open to you—to hold, to comfort, to love. This is my surrender.

* * *