THE PAIN OF BEING PURE AT HEART

Valentines Day mailbag, your burning questions on sex and love answered

KISS ME LIKE I’M GONNA DIE

Happy Valentine’s Day to all those who celebrate, which should be some of you— not all. I’ve wanted to do a mailbag since the first week of this newsletter, which turned 2 years old on the 12th of February, but I’ve lacked the confidence to pull it off. Something that I’m caring less and less about these days, thinking, overthinking, overanalyzing, and self-doubt is a curse that I have remedied myself of through sheer force of will. This is Tyler Has A Gun speak for, I stopped caring about how I’d be perceived for trying. Is it corny to try? I hope so.

Tyler Has A Gun is an idea that has evolved so much over the past 24 months, and I’m proud of what I’ve created, I cannot thank and express my gratitude to all of you for giving me your time and attention.

LIMIT OF DESTRUCTION

The Valentine’s Day Loveline/mail bag was a success. Here is a small selection of the questions I received. Thank you again for your calls and texts! The Loveline will be back soon. Let’s get into it… shall we?

How do I stop wanting to be loved so desperately by another or at least shift focus from this? I have so many hobbies and fulfilling aspects of my life and yet it always feels like that part is missing.

Hello!

Attracting the type of love you want starts with loving yourself the way you want to be loved. When I stopped exchanging my love for expectations and began loving unconditionally, it changed my relationships with others—and more importantly, with myself. I now serve, not in order to be served in return, but because the act of service is fulfilling. To be loved is to love—unconditionally. Pour your love and admiration into yourself and your hobbies. Be content with the simple joy of existing, and love will find you. It always finds a way.

I ain't getting play in Germany. Tyler, help! This isn’t going as planned.

My friend,

Maybe we need to change our approach. Are we leading with intent? Are we leading with curiosity? Are we leading with light and love? I’ve been told you’re only 60% fluent in the language—could this be a factor? Culture shock? Are there even attractive people in Germany? Many variables; need more info.

What are the ethics for an age-gap relationship?

Yo!

Time for math, try to follow along at home.

Younger man + older woman = fine
Older man + younger woman = usually not good
Older man + younger woman (half man’s age + 10) = fine, but could lead to grey area
Younger man + older man = fine
Younger woman + older woman = fine

I don’t wish to take agency away from the younger women in these hypothetical but very real scenarios, but I don’t believe their best interests are being considered in any age-gap situation. Let me make this about me now. As a boy, I wielded a mature body and put myself in very questionable situations with people much older than me, situations I now look back on with a heavy heart that aches for that innocent boy. No one could’ve told me anything I didn’t want to hear, and now, I only wish to guide those in similar situations with grace and care.

Is 19 and 31 technically legal? Sure, but is it morally or spiritually right? No. Now, where is the line for 17 and 19? 18 and 20? 19 and 21? Is this the moral grey area? Is half your age plus seven real? What about half your age plus ten? Ask yourself (young person) what you’re comfortable with and that’s probably the right answer but restraint is a good lesson for aging appropriately— just because you can, doesn’t mean you should (older person).

As an aging man (29), I don’t see any situation in which I’d want to be surrounded by girls or boys under the age of 25. For anyone keeping records.

Does eating ass make you gay?

Hey!

Yes and no. Let’s do the math, again.

Man + woman = not gay
Man + man = gay
Woman + woman = gay

Ass eating should be reserved for special occasions and people you’re in love with.

Hey, is it embarrassing I haven’t kissed anyone in 5 years? How do I get someone to kiss me?

Hi!

Not embarrassing at all, but after five years, it’s time to acknowledge that maybe you’re the problem. Look inward. Moisturize those dry (I’m assuming) lips and get yourself back out there, because kissing is the sexiest thing you can do—even with your clothes off. I do applaud you for your celibacy, though. Huge fan of kissing, couldn’t be me.

Is wearing a condom the biting of the bullet for casual sex?

Oh gosh,

Yes, the necessary evil*. Your sexual health is important, and the health of the community is important. There are rules, and in order to break these rules, you must first understand and acknowledge them—together. If one party breaks the rules while the other follows them, the offending party is banned from the game. If both parties decide to break the rules together, you may still continue to play, but you may be benched for nine months. I’m sure more rules will follow but these are the important ones. These are the rules of the game—play as you please.

*I don’t think condoms are evil but the saying doesn’t make sense any other way.

Should I break up with this person because every time they orgasm they fart?

Yeeeeesh,

Absolutely. It sounds harsh, and I know love transcends all boundaries, but I don’t even like knowing this is a possibility. There has to be something they can do to prevent this from happening. Have them put the poppers away and focus on being present in their bodies. Real stinky situation to be in, I’m sorry.

Hello Tyler’s Hotline, do you believe in twin flames? What are your thoughts on this type of connection and why the fuck are they so complicated?

Hej,

I love this question. I believe in the idea of twin flames, and they aren’t always romantic. It’s bittersweet to meet someone with whom you share this sacred connection but feel restricted due to the nature of other relationships, gender, timing, etc., hence the complications. For example, I believe one of my best (guy) friends is my twin flame, but not in any way romantic. However, when the timing is right, leaning into these romantic relationships feels incredibly easy though it may lead to lustful or hurtful amounts of indulgence if not handled with care.

This type of connection may lead to the most heartache, as it may not, or may never, be the right time. Distinguishing lust from love is the most important takeaway when considering a relationship with this much potential intensity. I say, let it burn slow. Be friends first. Practice restraint. Spend quality time. Let the chemistry and anticipation build. Don’t force anything that isn’t there. And learn to walk away from what doesn’t serve both of you. Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. The best kiss is the one that has been exchanged a thousand times between the eyes before it reaches the lips.

What does it mean to be ethically in love today?

A lot of ethical questions, which I love as a principled and opinionated person.

The ethics of being in love are truly composed of these core values: trust, respect, duty, and communication. And it all starts with you. If you feel that you aren’t great at any of these four things, that’s where the work needs to begin before a relationship can last. How can you truly respect another if you don’t respect yourself? If you can’t trust, do you expect to be trusted? If you avoid the hard and necessary things in your own life, how will you handle them in your shared life? Communication, communication, communication. What you want, what you need—but are the needs of your partner being met? You shouldn’t have to ask, but they should always be on your mind. Everything starts in the home within you.

Okay so regarding a confession: I moved to a new city and then broke up with the person I moved with but before that became friends with their new partner (we were poly). Their new partner then became pregnant with my ex’s child. It’s been hard to enjoy this new city because of that. The friends of the pregnant person, who I wanted to be friends with, have been inviting me to things and I want to go to meet new people but don’t want to be associated with my ex and their new pregnant partner. It’s rough because there are some cool folk so I’m trying to suck it up. Moral of the story: poly shit is complicated even after breakups, but fuck it. I’m going to serve and make friends, and hey, thank god I’m not the pregnant one.

Thank you for sharing. Get out there and meet some friends!

* * *