WILL YOU LOVE ME IN DECEMBER AS YOU DO IN MAY?

Fall in love again and again and again and again and again

NOT MERELY A PAINTED SKY BUT A WARM ONE

There has been construction on my street for what feels like the past century. Every time I peer outside, there seems to be no end in sight. I find this to be a great allegory for my weeklong sickness that has been lingering for the past few days. At its worst, it kept me up well into the night—so much so that I rediscovered prayer. I prayed to God, or anyone else who would listen, that if I woke up cured, I would never interface with another sick person until my judgment day. That I would take my personal hygiene and overall health more seriously. I prayed. And I prayed. And I prayed. I prayed hard.

This may have been a lesson. On Ash Wednesday, I swore I wouldn’t go on Instagram or Twitter, but I did after a few weeks. So, is it a coincidence that right before Easter, I’m struck with a debilitating sickness? Feels like divine retribution for sinning, which I accept. Now that I’ve felt your stern punishment, may I bask in your divine holiness? Please cure me of this congestion and allow me to smell again. I miss my lover's sweet scent. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.

Last weekend, my lover and I went up to Flagstaff for the night to reset and enjoy some time away before it starts to heat up in the valley. We booked a night at a nice motel and planned to thrift during the day and enjoy a nice dinner and drinks at night. This evolving sickness wasn't going to get in the way either. The drive up was quick and sweet. We listened to music and laughed the two hours away. True companionship is the only thing I desire in this world, and I’ve found it in her. Comfort in silence. Passion in touch. Romance in words. Safety in all else.

Much to my delight and my lover's dismay, I acquired a few new books at the various thrift stores around Flagstaff. We also found two unremarkable coffee mugs and a new record to listen to at home. Even if we had found nothing, it still would have been time well spent. We enjoyed a nice walk around downtown Flagstaff and had a great lunch. We checked into our motel around 4 pm and got settled in. I found my way to the lounge for a drink and was met 15 minutes later. We enjoyed our drinks on the patio while she read and I scrolled, thinking about how I was neglecting my blog. There just hasn’t been much on my mind to share.

In the morning, we enjoyed breakfast and coffee and prepared to check out because we were going to the Grand Canyon before heading back home. Another beautiful day, but the anticipation was killing me. She had never been to the Grand Canyon before, and I was going to shepherd her there. I was excited by this. I love being able to witness someone experience something so breathtaking for the first time. And I wasn’t disappointed. We oh’d and awe’d. We kissed. We held hands. We stood in silence. We took many pictures and even some videos. It was a perfect day that I didn’t want to end. I love companionship. And I love, love. It’s easy to get caught up in the monotonous rat race of everyday life and start to take the little things for granted. The sweet smell of rain. The intimate smell of your partner's morning breath. The taste of a laborious dinner. But I never want to forget what it’s like to love you.

I miss you when the sun rises and when I open my eyes and I miss you when I drink my coffee and I miss you at noon and I miss you when the sun sets and I miss you when the first star shines bright in the sky and I miss you in the middle of the night and I miss you when I’m dreaming. All this to say, there isn’t a time I don’t miss you.

DREAM JOURNAL

Night of 2/26 morning of 2/27